Be Calm…

             𝚁𝙴𝙶𝚁𝙴𝚃

To be honest, it’s quite ridiculous how regret is a constant emotion in my life; how I tend to limit myself because of what ifs; how I let panic and anxiety wash away what could have been; how I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of the things I could have done differently or the opportunities I could have invested in. It hurts to know that I could be more than this, bigger even.

Sometimes when I cry in the night and my mum hears me, she tells me it’s okay, that better opportunities will come.

“Dee, people make mistakes all the time. That’s life for you. When you fall, you pick yourself up and learn from those mistakes.” She would say while patting my back and somehow we’d share a drink or two talking about everything and anything.

These moments with her keep on motivating me to try harder even if it’s not myself.

Sometimes, my biggest fear is that I think I’d make a mistake that would cost me my life or someone else’s.

My friends and family usually tell me that I’m a live in the moment type of girl and honestly I can’t even dispute that. I do tend to indulge in temporary pleasures and chase temporary highs because I like to feel good about myself. I feel most of the time it’s either I’m sad and upset or bitter and anxious and anything that gives me joy even if it’s for a little moment, I hold on to it which eventually spurs my addiction issues. 

Right from time, I’ve never been a pretty girl; never been referred to as beautiful or drop dead gorgeous.In fact I’m less than average when it continue to looks and style. Coupled with the fact that I’m socially awkward, I always find it hard to make friends or engage in top tier conversations with people.

Unlike most of my friends, when I step into a room full of people, head’s don’t turn to stare, people don’t admire or compliment my outfits and although a lot of persons might call what I feel trivial, I wanted to be pretty, I wanted to feel good about myself, I wanted to love my body and I wanted someone else to love me too. 

This eventually brings me to the topic of this rant “REGRET”. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t met some people and I didn’t do some certain things. In order to be all those things I wanted to be, I believed I had be a type of way and by doing this, I started making mistakes that cost me more than I could afford. The funny thing is that I didn’t learn from those mistakes. I genuinely thought that things could and would get better.

You know what they say; when you constantly do certain things in certain patterns, they become a habit that’s hard to get rid of. That’s my life, a constant habit of bad decisions.

Regret, believe me, is hands down the most painful feeling to live with.

“I wish I never met you.” Regret.

“I wish I had done this in time.” Regret.

“I wish I talked to him/her more.” Regret.

“I wish I never went there.” Regret.

“I wish I had known.” Regret.

“I wish I wish I wish…” Regret.